Onwards

July 31, 2009 at 5:31 pm (Worldwalk)
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Every step I take
Every move I make
Every strange new face
You are there
Every song I write
Every stair I climb
Every cold dark night
You are there
-Sweetbox, “Every Step”

How long has it been? A third of a year?

I still find it hard to believe that this blog is more than a year old already. I even promised myself I’d write faithfully in it. Anyway, no use writing another post about that.

A quick recap of what has gone on so far: This April I finally graduated with a degree in Journalism, went job-hunting by applying at six different companies, had a probationary job at an online gaming company and here I am now working at an online learning institute for Koreans.

Right now I feel so confused and depressed, not in an emo sort of way, mind you. I feel as if I’m lost in the path of life, like I’ve lost my purpose. All my life I had been studying, all I wanted was to get my diploma and be part of society, a.k.a. the real world.

Nobody told me it would this harsh.

When I was still a “struggling” college student, I didn’t know why but I kept going. Even if the lessons were hard and the thesis made me develop the catchphrase, “Hudas na thesis na ‘yan” (lit. “That Judas of a thesis”), an inner voice was telling me to keep going even if I’ve expanded my vocabulary in profanity because of much stress.

That goal was to graduate.

What then after graduation? Of course to get a job. What kind of job? What should I do in that job? What good will it do? Will it keep me fulfilled? Will it grant me my life-long mission?

So far it still hasn’t.

I didn’t end up to be a writer despite my course. I didn’t end going around with a pen and a voice recorder bugging people for information. I didn’t become a journalist.

Maybe, just maybe, God planned this so I could go on, that despite the circumstances, the universe will conspire to help me get to my dream job.

After all…

Disappointment, defeat and despair are the tools that God uses to show us the way.
-Paulo Coelho, Brida

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Raving and Relishing

April 7, 2009 at 10:26 pm (Worldwalk)
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It’s been half a year and I’ve written nothing. Then again what’s there to write about when there’s no one to read them? Who would bother to read the thoughts of an anymous girl whose blog is lost in the crowd?

At least I try my best to write posts that induce deep thought and not rant about my own woes. People wouldn’t bother since they too have their own woes. They wouldn’t bother since I too wouldn’t bother to put out my real name for strangers to know, nor the real names of the people I mention no matter how repulsive they are. I’ll make it a personal rule in this blog to use only pseudonyms. That will somehow make the writings appear to be anecdotes rather than rantings and ravings.

It’s been almost four years since I’ve published my first blog. That time it was under Blogger. After numerous posts ranting about the big, scary world, my stupid classmates and my asshole of an ex-boyfriend, I was rewarded with a few kind (and occasionally rude) comments and measley page views. I grew tired of trying to impress readers and the monochromatic visual themes. Vowing to start “a new life,” I abandoned my Blogger account two years later and migrated to Vox.

It looked like I had the correct documents for migration but the wrong country. Vox turned out to be a social networking blogsite. Instead of a blogroll, you connent with strangers and you share photos, music, videos and books. It’s quite like Multiply except its focus is on blogging. It wasn’t the type of blog wherein you can create a motif and write about a certain topic e.g. Hollywood gossip, cars, gadgets, Japanese animé, videogames, et cetera. Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t even think they allow you to advertise on your blog. It was catered to bloggers who are passionate about sharing their personal lives. Since I didn’t want to be that self-centered and have the blog revolve around me, I left Vox and looked a for a new bloghost that will cater to my need to offer insight.

I’ve flown across Multiply and didn’t find it appealing too. It was for entrepreneurs. Finally I tried good ol’ WordPress even if I found it simply a more user-friendly version of Blogger.

This isn’t my first WordPress blog. The first one was created midway of 2007 and abandoned it just before the year ended. Although it was a bit more “mature” than my previous self-centered and angst-ridden blogs, it still sounded too selfish and talked more of my personal life rather than insights.

People often say, “You write very well. Why don’t you make a living out of blogging?” I reply with, “I’ve thought of that many times but I’m afraid I don’t have the emotional maturity yet. Instead of informing, I was ranting. Instead of being professional, I was overemotional. After five blogs, a pinch of page views and a few reviews, I figured that I’ll gather enough emotional maturity first before I write posts that actually make sense.”

And I’m confident I’m starting to show it here in Erratic Ink Strokes.

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Away

October 31, 2008 at 11:00 pm (Worldwalk)
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For God to be good, evil is an absolute necessity in this world.
-Genya Arikados, Castlevania: Aria of Sorrow

Here I am watching more Tekken 6 matches on YouTube. Since I can’t have the luxury of having an arcade unit all to myself, let alone the comfort of hearing the BGMs in at ease. I like the ones in the Temple Grounds and the Fallen Colony.

I know I’m supposed to be sullen since it’s the eve of All Saints’ Day yet I’m just not in the mood. Just tonight I played a few rounds of Tekken 6 with Jae. It was the little TimeZone hidden behind the food court. At least it could serve as our sanctuary where we can have our private matches and practice sessions. That way we can avoid the arrogant veterans who frequent the Arena, the one at the top floor near the cinema lobby.

Tomorrow it’s off way up north to visit his grandfather’s grave. And to think I’m supposed to be visiting my own grandfather’s grave way down south. I’m sure my grandpa will understand. Commuting southwards is just time-consuming, pricey and just too much of a hassle. After all I can have the opportunity to spend time with Jae’s family once again. It’s a way I can make myself a part of them.

People are born everyday, and they die everyday as well. Death isn’t really a big deal unless it’s someone precious to you. Anyone else wouldn’t care less. I wouldn’t call it evil. I’d call it human.

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Sunshower

September 20, 2008 at 5:49 pm (Romantic Novelettes)
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Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything’s okay and everything’s going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything’s gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face
-Alanis Morissette, “Ironic” [Jagged Little Pill]

Life indeed has a funny way of thrusting Jae into my arms just when I thought Cort and I would live happily ever after. Who would’ve thought Jae would be the better knight, the better lover?

Three years ago, Jae and I became friends, and that’s what I assumed we would be for long. Times later, Jae just found himself falling for me, and I found myself saying “yes” to him. I’ve never been happier with any other man.

We became a couple at that very area of the walls overlooking the lush green golf course. On one knee, he took my hand, kissed and he said, “Alouette, will you be my girlfriend?” I smiled and I felt my heart soften. I responded by holding his hand tightly and said, “Yes, I will be your girlfriend.”

I’ve never been happier since.

Jae changed me as a person, and I’ve seen some changes in him too since we became a couple. Maybe it was for the better since I’ve been trying new things, specifically arcade games. Jae helped me face my “fear of arcades,” or I’d define it more as arcade-consciousness. It was thanks to him I can now play Tekken 6 whenever I want. Although I still lose to him whether I use Asuka or Xiaoyu, one day I’m gonna floor that self-proclaimed Undisciplined Spanish Heartthrob!

I was surprised. Jae is not the typical metrosexual yet he’s vainer than the average male. He loves dressing like a stud, even calling himself a hot stallion eventually. He influenced me on how to dress, the right outfits to mix and match, things that a girl would normally know. Just around a month ago, I blew 200 bucks for a hair makeover at David’s. He was right beside me all throughout the session. He even chatted with the gay stylist. I look like an Oriental rocker chick now. Jae couldn’t stop smiling saying that I looked much prettier. I’ve never blushed so hard since.

I grew more since I’ve been with Jae. He showed me more views, things I never thought I’d try. I’m enjoying myself now. What more if I make new memories with him?

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Comfort Food, Struggling Wallet

July 26, 2008 at 11:42 am (Worldwalk)
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Comfort food. It’s comforting to my stomach but not to my nearly empty wallet. I’ve been having a bad week at school. I’ve missed another important lecture and detailed notes in Business and Economic Writing, I’m having a hard time understanding Binary Numbers in Basic IT, and now I haven’t even had an economic beat for the first subject yet. I could console myself with the fact that it’s only the prelim period, but that’s still 10% of the entire grade. But surely, the remaining 90% can still make a tremendous impact.

Even with limited pocket budget, I couldn’t help but succumb to Dunkin Donuts. I had two from Mister Donuts this morning but it never diminished the craving. I thought I deserved a box of dessert. Besides, I’m sick of canned goods and instant meals. After all, giving in to occasional temptation is one factor of happiness, says Cosmopolitan magazine.

Inflation has taken its toll once more. Donut prices have increased from Php 10 to Php 11. That may be just one peso to you but a dozen will now cost Php 12 more. That’s half an hour at an Internet café or one short ride on the LRT and MRT lines. Most importantly, that’s almost as much as one trip from school to our new flat here at Cubao. Angkong (Fukien Chinese for “grandfather”) taught me that one way to realize the value of money is to equate it with daily necessities. Php 1,000 can buy half a sack of rice that can feed my sister and me for three months. Or I can splurge it for an (impractical) pair of Havaianas flip flops.

I finally arrived at my home sweet pad. I just threw my uniform recklessly at the sofa bed and devoured five donuts. That’s partly out of hunger and partly out of violent cravings. The first five were luxury for the tongue. Afterwards, when my tummy felt heavy, it suddenly hit me that I just spent Php 110 on a box of donuts. That amount can buy 3 kilos of rice; enough to feed my sister and me for more than two weeks. Two weeks worth of staple food thrown away for a few minutes of comfort.

Yeah, the sweet taste brought temporary comfort, but the guilt of impulsive spending remained. It was also a heavy blow on my hyperventilating weekly allowance.

The guilt may have remained, but so did the lesson. The latter will be a lifetime aid. It once again taught me the value of money and that it should be spent wisely. After all, experience is the best teacher and mistakes are the best lessons.

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Tales From the Office

May 12, 2008 at 6:27 pm (Worldwalk)
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Even though my feet are trembling
And every word I say comes tumbling
I will bare it all
Watch me unfold
-Marié Digby, “Unfold”

I’m getting hooked to Marié Digby lately. I wasn’t honestly that impressed with her version of Rihanna’s “Umbrella.” What got me interested in this Japanese-Irish musician is her original song “Fool.” I experimented with her other original compositions and fancied “Say It Again” and “Unfold” in the process. Her songs are simple and fall under the easy-listening genre. After all, I need simplicity to clear away the clutter in my life.

Anyway, my internship has finally come to an end. 200 hours of not only hard work but also engagement in office politics and assholes of coworkers. Not most of them, mind you, just two quite insignificant people who consider me more of an extra employee than a coworker.

Well I’m not here to bitch about simpletons. They simply aren’t worth my time and finger-effort. Although a small chunk of those 200 hours are wasted on the Internet, Yahoo! Messenger and basically doing nothing, the remaining hours were spent productively and meaningfully. I’m a Journalism student, and I’m damn glad I got to use my skills in writing for my on-the-job training. I got to write web content, Chinese fortunes and promo content. Easiest and most tedious of those writing jobs are those bloody English reviewers for a confidential project, so I’ll say no more regarding that.

Other than writing, I was also assigned no-sweat and practical tasks like going to the mailhouse to have cheques delivered and answering calls from (idiotic) callers. Once again, not all of them, mind you. Some are polite, some are graciously clueless while a handful are born without brains. There was this geezer who was bugging for his iPod Touch just after texting the promo code. As if iPods grow on trees. Then there were quite a few morons who used the hotline as an emotional barf bag, whining about why they can’t seem to win after texting a dozen codes and wasting pesos of load.

If only there was a cure for stupidity… But at least the consolation is knowing there are people stupider than you. “Go on and bitch about your sorry luck. At least I’m smart, and you’re not.”

Tasks aside, I’m also damn thankful my officemate, not counting those two whom I mentioned earlier, are very nice party people. My boss is down-to-earth and sociable. She even eats lunch with us at the back once in a while. She wears a smile on her face that you can’t seem to wipe off. I’s the kind of workplace that doesn’t have the austere office vibe. I can just grab coffee whenever I want. The representatives from this government agency even bring pastries and chips! They’re the type you can mingle with like having footlongs by the sides.

I’ll miss my internship. It was such a learning experience. It broke my notion of the office being a stadium of ass-sucking and stepping on each other’s heads. I’ve learned the value of patience and obedience, the strict methods of following orders and standing your guard. And as my mentor Winroen has always warned me, watch out for officemates harboring jealousy and insecurity. Those two are a good example.

You don’t have to kiss ass. You have to SUCK ass. And I took that literally.

I’ll prove you wrong one of these days, Amarent. Wait for it.

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Society Spiral

April 23, 2008 at 10:14 am (Worldwalk)
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But when you do well
The true intentions of your secret smile
I couldn’t stop
I couldn’t tell you no
I hate to say I’m giving into you
-Marié Digby, “Fool”

Another monotonous day here at the workplace. Now no wonder many office workers fall into social apathy or at a certain extent, depression. Their lives are bound to an empty routine. You wake up, take a bath, commute to work then do a treadmill of copying and filing. The excitement only comes on payday.

But I decide my life, not the workplace nor society. If I want excitement in my life, I’ll be the one to put it in. Although of course there are times when I give in, when I succumb to society’s weakness. Many times I feel empty and that my work is unproductive and has no direction. All I do is edit tasteless English reviewers.

Okay Amarent. If you happen to read this, if you happen to know who I truly am, I’m taking back what I said. Now that I’ve experienced office life, I finally agree with you that being a student is much more fun an daring. At least every half a year is a whole new adventure if you’re a student. New classes, new classmates, new professors, new schedules, new worlds… The taste changes hence my tongue for adventure never becomes numb.

I’m glad I finally discovered the 7 Reasons the 21st Century is Making You Miserable. According to the extraordinarily witty writer, corporate employees do tasks that don’t yield material nor corporeal results which adds up their feeling of emptiness or worthlessness. Now that I’m editing unrelenting pages of reviewers, I feel what I do is hardly fruitful. If only I was four years younger, I’d be complaining like a corrupted mp3 file, yelling phrases like, “What’s the point of all this? What good is this gonna do? I’d rather flush wazoo down the toilet!” But now that I’ll be twenty years old in a month’s time, I’m now the mature adult who would rather do what she’s assigned. After all whining won’t help, only worsen.

Amarent, that friend I mentioned, is a typical guy working from 8am to 5pm, his workplace being a 5×5 meter cubicle. Everyday he goes to work, every week he gets his paycheck, every time the same… He tells me that most of the time he feels empty. He tells of his happy college life wherein he was the subject of popularity. But now he realized that you can’t always have what you want, and that you can’t always be on top. I added that the bad thing about being on top is there’s no other way but down.

As related to the number 7, I’ve read from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Sean Covey that you should begin with the end in mind. Think of the objective but stay in the moment. I’ve applied that principle and it does seem to work. My next training now is to make it a habit. So it’s back to those bloody English reviewers then! At least they’re no longer, “Elementary, dear Watson.” Nouns, pronouns, adjectives, adverbs, conjunctions, et cetera.

Oh, and Amarent. I’m glad that I was able to grant you unpredictably happy moments that became such wonderful memories for you and I. One day you’ll be the rookie next to me.

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Writing in a Rut

April 18, 2008 at 3:52 pm (Self-Centered)
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The beautiful part of writing is that you don’t have to get it right the first time, unlike, say, a brain surgeon.
-Robert Cromier

Probably one of the most redundant activities is writing about…writing.

That’s right. I’m currently working on the content of a website regarding a top-secret project. It’s objective writing meaning I only have to be simple and direct yet I have this tendency to slack off and flutter around every few minutes.

I guess it’s just my nature. I sometimes find it difficult to focus on a certain project. Editing reviewers depleted most of my brain cells. Repetitive work can kill one mentally. No wonder many office workers fall into depression. They’re bound to a routine-oriented lifestyle. I won’t bother to climb the corporate ladder if it’s the same steps and handle over and over again. Hell it’s not even a ladder. It’s a steep hill.

Maybe writing also comes with the mood. I’m gravitated more to Mozilla Firefox than Microsoft Word once I turn the PC on. I surf the Net for a good hour then resume to my reviewers. Then once the toxic of repetition inflicts me, I’ll immediately open the PowerPoint file and write away on the web content basing it on the former.

Additionally sugar high also plays a factor. There’s almost always a generous supply of cookies and biscuits here. It’s like an eat-all-you-can buffet. I feel like a stack of bricks in the morning. After the cookie feast, my energy levels surge dramatically and I become a semi-uncontrollable working machine.

Oh well. Better get back to “actual” writing.

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Birdie

April 17, 2008 at 6:12 pm (Quizzes)
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You Would Be a Pet Bird


You’re intelligent and witty, yet surprisingly low maintenance.

You charm people easily, and they usually love you a lot more than you love them.

You resent anyone who tries to own or control you. You refuse to be fenced in.

Why you would make a great pet: You’re very smart and entertaining

Why you would make a bad pet: You’re not interested in being anyone’s pet!

What you would love about being a bird: Flying, obviously

What you would hate about being a bird: Being caged

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Internship

April 17, 2008 at 12:44 pm (Worldwalk)
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A new job, no matter how dynamic it is, will eventually feel like any other job.

But at least being an intern here at *Gadgettes is still new and dynamic. After all this is my first experience working in an office. And hey, it’s not as hazardous as my mentor Winroen had described it. My coworkers seem nice and sociable and the male ones aren’t as sex-crazed as I imagined.

Back then when someone mentioned the word “office,” I imagined a monochromatic maze that can be navigated by toddlers, people in tight suits trying to look dignified but are actually thinking, “Shit, I’m broke! How am I gonna suck up to the boss?”. Plus I don’t wanna sport that insignificant cloth-collar called a necktie.

Turns out I can walk into the office wearing skinny jeans and Chuck Taylors without getting second glances. I can “clock in” anytime (although there’s no clocking in here) and even slack off at work, like right now when I’m supposed to be editing English reviewers than writing a blog entry which will unlikely be read.

Not that I’m paid to do absolutely nothing. Of course I’m the lively young cadet itching to do “real-life” work. In fact I’m treated more like an employee than a doormat intern whose task is to answer phone calls from stubborn clients and making coffee. I’m glad my boss trusts me to handle big tasks such as making the PowerPoint Presentation for a major company. She’ll even be hitching me on the ride!

The environment doesn’t seem like the airy corporate setting too. My officemates can fool around with each other and share menial jokes. I can even walk around and grab cookies and cupcakes anytime! Coffee is free too and and there are occasional pizza parties to boot.

Ultimately my boss is very, very nice. She has this aura of niceness as if whatever you say or do feels like charity. She’s not the condescending type of boss like Meryl Streep’s character in The Devil Wears Prada. She considers us as teammates rather than pawns that can be subjected to toilet-cleaning.

I guess that’s as much as I can write for now. My internship is 200 hours. I’ve completed only 54. I’m only a quarter through.

*Company name changed

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